Identity Crisis

Journal Entry: 3/11/18

This morning I went for an early morning walk outside. As I circled the sweet pond in a nearby neighborhood, I found myself on the Rwandan hillside outside of Pastor James’ and his wife Olivia’s home. It was early morning, the dew still on the ground. The sun beginning to rise. Most importantly, God wooing me closer to Him.

rwanda

the view from Pastor James’ porch

You see, this morning I woke up asking God to remind me who I am. Over the course of the last 20 months, every part of me has been stripped in one way or another. Human error took a huge part of me. Life circumstances took others. Still other parts were taken by God Himself (Job 1:21).

Although often beneficial, the stripping process is seldom simple or painless. In fact, much pain has gone into these past few years.

When all is stripped away, what is left? To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure. I had placed so much of my identity in my work, my ministry, my church, my family, my friends, and yes, even my pain. When so much was taken away, what was left?

As I desperately have attempted to figure out who I am over the last few months, I have felt less and less like myself. I have experienced great freedom, but have also lost sight of who I really am. Who am I without my job? Who am I away from being Mama Bear to some amazing college guys? Who am I away from a church that we loved before we were hurt so deeply? Who am I now that the pain and heartache of loss are gone, and I am walking in freedom?

This morning before leaving the house, I asked the Lord, “Who am I?”

Nothing.

And my impatient self continued talking instead of listening. “I mean, I know I’m a wife and a mom…”

My spirit stopped. I felt the Lord say “I have given you Brandon and Brooklyn, but that is not WHO YOU ARE.”

Tears began flowing.

THEN WHO AM I?
WHO.
AM.
I?

“Mine.”

That is all.
That is enough.
I am HIS.

My identity is not found in being a wife or mom or coach or teacher. It is found in being HIS. He calls me HIS. He looks at me and says, “She’s mine.”

And that’s enough. Any other role I hold pales in comparison to who I really am – HIS.

You may be thinking, where does Rwanda come into all this?

That hillside is where the Lord called me to fall in love with Him. That is the place He pursued me fiercely. That is where He showed me day after day, morning after morning that He looks at me and with great love in His eyes says, “She’s mine.”

What about you? Do you know who you are? Do you know that the God of the universe looks at you and says, “mine.” ?

He does.
He loves you abundantly.
He wants you to see that and know you are HIS.

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